My Life

Tok Daddy

2009-03-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Mother's Father.

Please forgive me if I never had the chance to say "Sorry I never said Goodbye"

I don't remember you in your grave. I remember though a bed of flowers and a fragrance rushing past me and if I recall possibly kissing me on the cheek.

Despite my sister and brother saying things about my horrible memory, I remember more things than them. Surely I do.

I bet they don't remember the things you wore, your purple Kain(sarong)and your grey or white shirts while Tok Mummy lounged on the couch.

You always bought me the latest action man toys which up till today I treasure. People call me gay for loving them but they are one of the lasts memories I have of you. You were so young and you left. I remember you just smiling at Redzuan and me as we shouted out "THank You" to you while opening our action man cases. I rmember your soft smile, unlike anyones I've seen.

Please forgive me Tok Daddy for not appreciating you as much as I wanted to. I was still young. 3 years old. Still young.

I want to touch you again. Kiss you on the cheek. Bring you out on lunches. Your treat of course.

Please forgive me tok daddy. I love you so much. Please be with me. I will pray for you everyday so that you enjoy your time up there. Or pray that you don't have such a hard time down there. Remember Tok Daddy, if you ever miss us, know that we miss you too. If you ever feel like a stranger while watching me up there or down there, know that I am a stranger to you. I always wanted to know you better. People don't believe you're my grandfather. They just say "What kind of governor would want to be a grandfather to a fat shit like you?" I feel hurt, but in my heart I will always love you whether you loved me or not.

I wish I got to know you better. The only left hander in the family alongside Redzuan.

I didn't understand that you died when the funeral was held. I remember feeling sad for no apparent reason.

As I write this post, I only hope someone doesn't fell the sadness i feel now. I want to cry but I can't. My body won't let me. I wish you were still here, instead of just smiling at me in your pictures.

I love you Tok Daddy.
I will say this and which I never got to say.
Goodnight Tok Daddy. Sleep Tight.

"...A hundred times, A thousand times, just one more time, I'll pull you close, and then we'll say goodbye..."

I don't like friends.

2009-01-01T06:08:00.000-08:00

I hate all of them.
All of them making a truce between our war but in the end end up breaking up while i'm the one who takes the pain.
My Best Friends are no longer in lists.
A few of them are mentioned but only less than 3.
I have very little friends.
I don't truly like any of you.
Like one friend(Or at least i think)said:
"I have no friends, You are merely acquaintances."
I gave this some serious thought and had an epiphany.
I now see the logic behind it.
I don't like you.

Unimportance in friends

2008-12-23T10:08:00.000-08:00

Friends? Important or Unimportant?
You must be competent with their personalities to find a good friend
But incompetence is common within relationships.
Friends hold you back, tell you not to take their spotlight when it is rightfully yours.
Friends mislead you, from your sole idea to a better one, but what good was your sole idea if it is going to be corrected?
Friends leave you.
They always do.
I have personally rid myself of over 10 of my best friends.
To join some new friends, whom I know will leave me too.
There can be no true friend.
They will only stab you in the back when the opportunity is right.
Friends will take you behind and spoil you.
Friends corrupt you.
Friends are living sources of treason.
Friends create envy.
Friends will never be useful..to me.
I rid myself of friends..and it is them who will rid of me.
Friends, are unimportant to me.
to me.
to me.
to me.
Goodbye.
Redzlan~

Confusion

2008-12-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

Confusion-A different type of poetry.

I honestly don't know whether it's you,
I can't tell the difference between it.
You don't seem to notice the pain i bear when you look at me.
You never seem to give a second thought about what I tell you.
At the times I need you to hold me,you're never there.
in my life AI can never feel safe because of the feeling of paranoia in my gut.
I keep wishing you'd look at me, pay attention to what I have to say.
I just don't know how I can carry on, yet I still do.
I'm like iron with ice water, slowly wearing away, bits of me, crumbling to dust.
I'm like a lawyer with a failed case, how terribly I am sorry for myself.
I'm like me, with out you.
Goodbye.
Tear my heart away, Pull my soul out.
Rip me open, then crush me.
Our final moment, shared with nothing but a kiss.
What a moment to behold.
Tears now streaming down my face.
I Love You.

Redzlan Nur Jazlan. Poetry Collection

Someone?

2008-12-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

What is this feeling?-Poetry

I don't know what I'm feeling.
This epiphany is unfamiliar in my story.
is it you I think about?
Or is it my dark desire and fantasies about you that makes me want to hold you close?
Am I misunderstood, or am I off or weird?
Are you a figment of my imagination?
A creation of memories and laughter?

What is this feeling?
When I talk to you, i become all giddy and excited, and when you go, I become lonely.
When you mortify me,I cannot feel a difference between exasperation or love.
If you stabbed a knife in my gut, i would not feel it.
If you ripped me limb by limb, i would not feel it.
But if you held me, then let go of me, all existence falters, my world crumbles.

Why am I so unfamiliar with this feeling?
Why is it that when I think about you, my mind starts to wonder.
Why is it when you are here I want you to leave.
But when you are not here, I long for you?
My mind, a contradict.
My feelings, an oxymoron.
You are my world.
You are my soul.
Please don't leave me.
Don't let me go.

-Redzlan

Fav Friends

2008-12-05T06:17:00.000-08:00

Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Its Redz again! Whee~~~~
Many things have happened since i last started posting.
halloween
mufti day
now christmas.
SPORTS DAY
man it all moves so fast.
I even wrote a gay poem about it.
Time Moves, Hearts Break,
Love is there, Hatred is present.
So thanks to everyone who made term 1 at GIS a memorable experience.

Thanks very much to:
Jenny~~!!!
Grace
James~~~~!!!!
Regina!!!!!(:D)
RRRRmmm Haz1?(Not so much though)
Guang Li
Zhulin
Sze Yi(SUltan!!!!!!)!!!!
Aanchal
Kian
Panic!At The Disco
Fall Out Boy
Rihanna
My Mom
My Dad
Ammar
Jazz
Penny

Wow many many more.

Anyway thanks to all and remember i love you all!

Oh yeah, i scalded my arm in science.
Here's the Gossip:
I had this extremely hot tripod
Ms. Ali told me not to touch the extremely hot tripod.
I touched it.

It was hot. Ouch. Funny~~~
(Nah, i misheard her :p orrr nooot :D)

Some Poetry

2008-11-14T06:49:00.000-08:00

Poems About Love.

Pencil Box

I give you a pencil box,

One with flowers and pretty decorations.

It represents the beauty of your face and your grace.

When you open it, it’s like opening your soul to the unknown.

When you put something into It, it’s like me and you in unity.

When you take something out of it, it’s like taking your soul apart.

When you dirty it, it’s like cheating on me.

When you spoil it, its like breaking my heart, and ripping me to pieces.

When you close it, you seal me as I am in you as you are in me.

As you remember the gift I gave you, you remember me,

Lastly, if you love the pencil box, You Love me as I love you.

When you sharpen a pencil, think of me,

It’s shavings represent the tears I shed when I am not with you.

When you erase the words, think of me,

Its like erasing the bad pasts that haunt us.

When you Sharpen with a sharpener, think of me

It shows how often I sharpen my love for you.

Find my ruler, it measures Love,

But if you find it, know that you will find no end.

My Love, is everlasting

By:

Redzlan, Jae Hui, Titus and Sze Wen

Emotional

Darkness surrounds me,

I sit in eternal blackness,

I wait with silence,

Slowly, as death reels me in.

I turn, the doorknob, it should be silent

Yet I hear her.

Replaying in my mind like a broken tape recorder.

Broken, like my heart.

You took my love once and threw it away.

A sin unforgivable,

A sin unforgettable.

I am lost to the world, a simple man, contemplating on life’s gifts.

Am I a curse? Or am I a blessing?

Does the world see me for who I truly am, I do not know.

But for one thing, life hates me,

The blood splattered on my floor, laughing at my foolhardy.

I am but a silhouette in the world, unnoticeable, but still there.

I do not exist for I feel nothing

Life let me go,

For living is my hell.

May the gods have mercy.

Please, destroy me.

Let life take it’s victim, may I give it willingly.

Redzlan 8L(Edited by Sarah King)

Emotional

Darkness surrounds me,

I sit in eternal darkness,

I wait with silence,

Slowly, death reels me in.

I turn, the doorknob still quiet,

Yet I hear the voice calling,

A figure of my imagination?

No, something else…

You’ve taken my love once, then smashed it into a million pieces,

A sin unforgivable,

May the light not come near and show me,

I am lost to the world, a simple man, contemplating on life’s gifts.

Am I a curse? Or am I a blessing?

Does the see me for who I truly am, I do not know.

But for one thing, life hates me,

The blood splattered on my floor, laughing at my foolhardy.

I am but a silhouette in the world, unnoticeable, but still there.

I do not exist, I do not exist,

Life end me quickly,

Earth is hell for me,

May the gods have mercy,

Destroy me.

Let life take it’s victim, may I give it willingly.

Redzlan 8L(Original Piece)

In her own world

First of all let’s set the scene

Head down, against the wall she leans

Four white walls, a ceiling and floor

A small square window, a wooden door

Her eyes soon close, she starts to dream

It’s always random never a theme

She dreams of strange scary places

Violent scenes with blurry faces

She wakes with a start, and doesn’t like it at all

But she finds she’s still leaning against the wall

And as she sits in her domain

There are no feelings, no love nor pain

Volume up, speakers in

The world fades out as hers begins

And as she listens to the tune

She closes her eyes and leaves the room

Now she’s in a different place

Which causes a smile to appear on her face

With everything that she loves so dear

She’s in a place with no hate or fear

A place where she is all alone

The place where she feels most at home

From where she doesn’t want to leave

A simple land of make believe

A voice! Her world starts to crumble

She opens her eyes because of the mumble

Her world fades out, reality fades in

It’s time again for the real world to begin

By Sarah King 9L

An Expression of Life

Not a wall of concrete, or just a bridge of steel

I reveal you a tree,

An expression of life.

It promises you the light,

That is never, ever ending.

Take it,

Do not just leave it in the cold,

To die in the winter,

Just to be reborn in the spring,

In an endless cycle of life after death.

I wish to warn you though,

They are not merely pieces of unprocessed wood

I present you a tree,

An expression of life.

Its prominence stands,

Like black on white.

There it is rooted,

Giving freedom,

From the burden of the Earth

Its fruits,

Bear zest and passion.

Now listen closely,

They are not just there for no reason.

The branches which reach out,

To the skies above,

Are not merely holsters of leaves?

They are the frames of lives.

It is resilient,

Standing against the weather,

Survival a factor,

Closing its doors to the harsh cold,

Only reopening for the bliss sunshine

When the leaves fall

The tree only sheds a tear

But you all are unknowing,

In the fact, they feel pain too.

James King

The Past

2008-11-14T06:36:00.000-08:00

I guess it's time to get it out of me.
I have been keeping this in for a long time.
The past was quite sad, and helpful.
I had someone, once upon a time, who brought me up then broke me down. Yen Nee.
I won't mention any details but i don't really care if i was broken because I knew it wasn't worth it to continue on with my dark personality.
Like Kenneth at times, I have mood swings, not MPD(Multiple Personality Disorder).
My mood swings are serious and they are heavy. Camp was my largest. Year 8, i shut off, swore, and didn't talk to anyone.
I guess you can say she was someone special. We are friends now but haven't talked in the past 10 months and i forgot how fun she was.

Thanks Yen,for making it memorable.

Troubled Young Boy

2008-11-12T06:04:00.001-08:00

I love to listen to suicide music, Metallica(just a few), The Killers(Shadowplay:D) and many others.
Suicide music is relaxing and soothing.
I play 12 different instruments.
I am about 167 cm
I don't know how i get about in life with all whats going on right now.
Nobody knows about my blog.
I am a silhouette in the world, Unseen, but still there.
No one knows, but I've had some before(not sex, DUH)
2 more years and I will be a princess.
Drums, Bass and Clarinet are my passions.
School is my favourite place.
I am not emo like my brother who is a sad little pansy.
Yes he is older than me
But he is a loser.
I like to kick people in the shins.
I still do not understand how to blog properly.
My favourite poetry line is
I am a silhouette in the word, unseen, but still there.
Bitching and Gossiping is for fags, so therefore i guess you can call me one.
If you need a hug, I'm there for you.
Wine is disgusting.
Champagne tastes like ear wax.
Yes, i have dug my ear and tasted it before.
My bro eats snot.
No matter where I go, I will have a friend.
My best friends are in a list.

Boys
1.Me
2.Saksham
3.Daryl Ong
4.Jonathan Foo(Lil'Jonny)
5.Simon
6.Marco
7.Chiraag
8.Kevin(Korean Dude~~~~Yeaaaah~~~~)

Girls
1.Jenny
2.Guang Li
3.Karmen
4.Aanchal
5.Michelle Prini
6.Kieren:)
7.Sze Yi
8.Grace

I have more Top Friends but I won't mention.
I have more friends who are girls than boys.
GIrls are easier to work with.
All boys who hate girls or presumably say they do are gays.
James is kewl
Danyal is awesome.
Kieren, Sze Wen and Lil' Jonny are my kindest friends.

I have no Best Gal Fren anymore

I've known Zhulin all my life.

Guang Li and Grace are extremely Rich.

I find Friends unimportant and useless.

Blogging is gay, but i'm not.

I'm over expressive, live with it.

I love poetry, But you don't, or do you?

www.youtube.com/rezzojezzo
www.youtube.com/p455w0rds
www.youtube.com/SunburstZX95
www.youtube.com/supersawa69
www.youtube.com/jameskingoflol
www.youtube.com/asianweb
www.youtube.com/qwail56

I love all my friends especially James, Grace, Danyal and Regina.

Kenneth... you suck... nah you don't but you can be very annoying.

Nicholas...you are very rude but your fun :)

Daryl you rock :)
Love Ya'll
XoXo, Gossip Girl(I'm not gay)